Dear House I'm Hoping to Buy,

Why do you have so many expensive problems?
You're making me nervous.

I just want to buy you but your problems in the crawlspace aren't very appealing. I really really like you. I like your character, hard wood, big rooms, huge fenced in back yard, and location. But your hidden issues are making me question your integrity.

If you have mice, I have extensive experience in getting rid of them. I'd take good care of you, house. Hope to see you soon.

Dear Tendonitis

I don't like you. 

You may my foot hurt. I'm sorry I used you too much two weeks ago, but I think you've gotten your revenge. Can we call a truce please?

PS- that grinding feeling that happens when I point my toe is making me nervous. Please stop. Seriously.

Dear Dentists:

You seem to get paid a lot to do very little. All you did this morning was lift up my lip and look around.
The hygienists who scrape away the plaque and polish my pearly whites should be the ones to get the big bucks.
Just a thought.

Drover vs. Smoke Alarm(s)

Last night around 3 am I was woken up by a loud single "chirp" coming from somewhere in my house. It was only once, so I dozed off until I heard it again. and again. and again. I would doze off between the chirps so I wasn't sure how frequently they were happening. What I did know though was that I was losing precious deep sleep.

Eventually I woke up enough to realize these chirps were indicating a low battery in a smoke alarm. I got out of bed, and went into the living room and waited for the next chirp so I could track down the culprit. It was like a game of hot and cold. And it seemed like the whole house would chirp when this thing made the noise. But I eventually narrowed it down to the hallway between my room and Jeanna's.

So I grabbed tall stool, crawled up, and began to dismantle the enemy of my sleep. It was apparently unhappy with me because when I took it down, it started screaming. These things can make some noise! Panicked, I hit it until the batteries fell out. Whew.

As I crawled down from the stool, headed back to my room, I heard another CHIRP from behind me.

You have got to be kidding me.

This time, the chirp was coming from Jeanna's room. Apparently, this was the original source of my sleep deprivation. So, same story. I crawl up, dismantle, knock out batteries, declare victory and eventually crawl back in bed.

As of right now, our upstairs has no smoke alarms. I'm too irritated to figure out if they both have low batteries or if I was just confused on where the actual noise was coming from. Either way, these things always choose to happen in the middle of the night, don't they??